Started writing a small book. Here’s the first chapter. — Would love to know your thoughts. (Mind the Un-edited nature of it)
Fucking up your life is a liberating experience. There’s a certain amount of validation that comes with knowing what you are supposed to do, knowing what they want you to do, even knowing what would make you successful, and deciding you aren’t going to do any of it.
Within reason, of course. But even that limitation is mine to choose.
Which is what I comes down to I suppose.
It seems like there isn’t much of that these days. Like the world is happening to me.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried to follow the rules, to do what I was told, and to follow the path I was supposed to follow, the one they said would be best for me, where I would find security, where I would fit in, where I’d be taken care of.
But I wasn’t.
All of that shit’s a lie anyway. Propagated by people like Andy. Who’s on his way right now.
Andy thinks I should get a real job. That I should pull my head out of my ass and just be like everyone else.
He says this to me as if he isn’t more miserable than I am. Like he doesn’t hide from his problems in a bottle or watching tv. Like he isn’t half engaged in his own life and half caught in the fantasy he’s created in his own head, balancing a tightrope that disallows him from seeing the reality of his life.
I too am a good distraction for Andy.
He gets to tell me how I’m screwing up. How I’d be much more happy if I did what he did, had what he had, forgot what he forgot.
Only he didn’t, and I can’t.
I really wish Aaron would come around more. I’m not really sure how much longer I can stand the level of comfort I’ve created.
Aaron doesn’t approve of my current lifestyle. I’ve never heard Aaron say that, but I know it must be what is going through Aarons head.
You never see Aaron and Andy around at the same time. It’s likely a good thing though, I don’t think either of them would agree.
And I’m worried.
Aaron doesn’t like what I’m doing either. Only she handles it in a different way.
Instead of yelling at me, like Andy, Aaron just quietly goes away. I never see her leave. I’m usually not paying attention.
It’s often in the middle of an argument with Andy. Trying to prove him wrong. He just makes me so fucking mad.
I need to find a way to get rid of him, I think. I don’t even know why I let him hang around. All he does is remind me what I’m doing, what I haven’t forgotten, and what I can never become.
I guess trashing your life isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Or, at least, you don’t always get to be with the ones you’d like.
With each day that passes, I fear Aaron may simply stop coming around at all anymore.
Which is painful to think about.
Because Aaron remembers.
And I want to remember too.